As the fetus grew in Mary’s womb, the 2nd Person rejoiced in this powerful creation. The 2nd Person sang as the child grew into being, exploring the interior world of Mary’s body, intently observing the wonder of the workings of the human flesh, nerve, blood, and bone. The 2nd Person surprised himself as he began to become a male and what that meant and how he felt about having a human body. In his divinity he understood the shape and scope of being human, yet the 2nd Person was surprised at the specific moment to moment physical awareness of the developing fetus. He said to me, “Living as a human body is more than just knowing.” For the first time but not the last, I felt the 2nd Person of God humbled by experiencing what it was to be human, to have a body.

As I said before I remember aspects of all these events this outside of time. Not only was I with the child in the womb, but….

….I was with the human baby when he first felt pain from falling hard on the ground learning to walk. The divine nature of the baby wanted to make this pain go away, but my presence was a reminder that would not happen. As a human child, pain would be accepted. The child was then surprised by the arms of Joseph lifting him up, hugging him and telling him that the pain would pass. The child felt the warmth of Joseph’s shirt and the smell of Joseph’s body and felt safe. The divine rejoiced in that feeling of both the pain and of the warm embrace.

….I was with the boy when he angered his mother. Normally patient, Mary had told the child to be careful about little miracles. She knew her child was more than human and was watchful to make sure that her boy kept his divine nature under control. For a while she carefully pointed out to him that he should be careful not to do some wondrous thing that people would not understand. She told him that he had to be careful, but he was boy of seven who liked to show off. In the market of Nazareth, a vendor kept pigeons to sell, but often failed to feed them. Seeing the starving birds one day, the boy waited until the vendor was busy, climbed up on a stool and opened the pigeon cage. He then ran away from the market with a flock of pigeons flying closely behind him. When they reached the edge of town the pigeons flew away. Mary heard about this later in the day and, when she found the boy, she scolded him for the first time. The boy was overcome with shame, a deep feeling of shame, a burning on his face as he listened to his angry mother reminding him how he must be careful. He felt sick with regret that he had angered his mother, a new awareness for the divine and human in him. The boy had to hide alone until his shame was replaced by a new commitment to listen to his mother.

….I was with the boy when early in puberty he felt sexual attraction for the first time. An older girl who sometimes worked with him helping his father prepare chairs for the market brushed up against him. The boy was startled to feel his body warm with a sexual attraction to her. What did that mean? What was happening? The divine nature in him understood all aspects of sexuality but had never felt the unsettling sense of longing for another person in a sexual way. The boy ran to the building that was used for communal gathering and prayer and hid in a corner praying that the feeling would pass. At moments like that I had to keep watch, I learned early on in his life that he was always being observed by spiritual entities, who if given the chance would try to help. In most cases I wouldn’t allow it. In a firm voice, I demanded that the boy be left alone to feel as other boys felt, to be human. At this particular developmental moment, I was tempted to allow some interference to console the surprised and anxious boy, but I knew I could not.

The hardest moment was when I was with the man during the Agony in the Garden. By then he was aware of me and, as he faced the days ahead fully understanding what he would sacrifice, he asked a simple question, “Would his life allow people to make the right choices to create the future ahead.” I must have hesitated for a brief second before I said, “Yes, of course.” He asked me what I wasn’t telling him. I gulped, took a deep breathe, and told him that his sacrifice would shape human history to the good, but along the way many terrible things would happen. We had discussed human history in the time between his life and mine before, but I had held back on telling him a difficult truth. He looked at me and I saw the man who I had lived alongside since his birth, whom I could not deny. When he said, “Tell me worst of it.” I reluctantly told him about what some humans in history would do in his name. I described the crimes, the wars, the theft, the brutality, the arrogance, the ugliness of what people would do saying they were doing it in his name. Lastly, I told him of the crimes against children that would be done by these people. For the first time, this man felt despair. In that moment all aspects of the world, physical and spiritual, were shaken and changed. The other two persons of the Trinity shared in that feeling of despair, and I felt that creation might unravel. The Trinity knew the future as it knew the past, but when the human man who was Jesus felt despair in the present that could not be dismissed by foreknowledge. The agreement that humans would be allowed to be free to live and feel as other people did was almost shattered. All three persons of the Trinity in that moment were tempted to take away free will and shape the choices of people beyond human choice. The evil ahead would not happen. As the conviction of the Three together to make the future unfold as they would choose, overriding human will, I spoke up. “Human despair is powerful, but is it powerful enough for you to take away human choice? I have heard and seen many dark things done in the name of God. I know you can change history anyway you want, but, if you do this, you will take away my and every human’s choice to do good, to love freely, and to be a partner with you in the building of creation. This choice would take away what I hold most dearly, my right to be who I am, make my own mistakes, find you through my own truth as you have made me. Put aside despair and trust that I can, that others can, that I will, that others will choose to work alongside you freely. Even if I fail and many fail, even 1 person choosing would be enough.” As I said that, one human image flashed through all of us, the beautiful face of Mary. If freedom allowed for her to be whom she was, we all knew it was enough. I felt the love of the Trinity embrace me with gratitude and for the first time, I felt the human hand of the Word made Flesh in mine. I knew I would hold onto it in the days ahead.

I hope, readers, that you understand as I relate these fragments, this story will flow out of me as it will. I will do my best to take you along with it.

 

 

The next few months were a blur for me. I was both outside and inside time. The 2nd Person of the Trinity gazed out upon all creation and I knew I could easily become lost in the gaze. The Word just become flesh didn’t become disconnected from all the things he loved. Part of the human child being formed still looked upon specific aspects of the vast universe and loved them. The 2nd Person of the Trinity had a little resistance to being removed from an active individual relationship with all the parts of creation; the resistance of having to say goodbye to some things you loved for a time, for a period of travel to a distance place where some of the things you loved couldn’t go. The 2nd Person wasn’t reluctant to go. He had only just become human and he was already wishing he could bring everything with him on his journey deeper into the human heart.

He caught me laughing to myself when I thought that come hell or high water, he was going to try to bring all things into the love of his human and divine heart. He sparked at me with a mischievous challenge that told me, “You think I can’t do this.” My only response was to say, “But I think you have to wait.” He laughed and said, “I guess, I’m stuck having only you to make the journey.”

He smiled as his awareness of me slipped into the experience of the miracle of his becoming a human child, the powerful moment of growth of his taking the form of a human boy. What I saw in that form taking shape was a myriad of beautiful moments, the many colors of life linking and shaping and becoming a child. I was speechless. “That will be day that you are speechless,” said the ever present Holy Spirit.

I pulled together all the courage I had and told the Holy Spirit to stand down. I knew the Spirit wanted to say a few things about my arrogance, but the Spirit stepped back and gave me room to witness on my own what was happening. He added a quick, “I’m glad to see you’re taking you part seriously.” My response was, “Everyone is a director.”

Then I too became lost in the experience of the 2nd Person of the Trinity becoming a human boy.

At this point, I need to tell you that my narrative flow of this experience doesn’t come to me in a linear way. I remember things in spurts. It often feels like I lived this, I’m reliving it, and I have yet to live it. My retelling of the experience to you will come to you in the ways I remember it with my making creative editorial choices on what experience of memory comes next.

I was standing outside the body of Mary as she stood before the handsome man who she was her betrothed. “Joseph,” she said, “I am pregnant.” He outwardly remained calm but inside he was shocked, hurt, and angry. She added, “I know I have no right to ask for your support, but..” She preceded to tell him the story of what happened. He turned from her and walked away.

I found myself following him. He stopped and sat on the edge of the Nazareth’s south well near his home. He was troubled, but he was a prayerful man, so he voiced the request, thinking of Raphael in the story of Tobit, “Who can help me.”

In response to his request, he could see me. “Who are you,” he said.

“I…,” almost choking on my response as I thought of what I’ve had to say to Gabriel about the claim I was about to make, “I am your angel. I am here to tell you that you can believe Mary. She is the best of women. She is the best of everyone.” He nodded as if I was telling him something he already knew.

He said, “But can I…” Knowing what he was going to ask, I responded quickly, wondering who was I to tell him this hard truth. “No you cannot lie down with her to have physical relationship as a husband to wife.” His face turned red. It was clear he loved Mary. When he was first betrothed to her, he felt a sexual attraction that had grown over time.

“Carpenter, think of what you will be making, building. You will care for and love this woman. You will protect her and her child. The child is a boy and he will be your son. You will prepare him as a man to be the person who will do the great things you have read about in scriptures.” He was only half listening to me as he stared down the street to porch of his home where Mary still stood. He nodded to me and turned to walk back to her. I could see him embrace her and then my awareness was pulled back to experiencing the new life being formed in her womb.

I hoped that I didn’t run into any angels for awhile. Since I had the basic outline of the story ahead, I knew that was unlikely.

When I was 27 years old in Chicago, I had a mystical experience. I discovered I had been cast in a unique role into the story of the Incarnation.  One morning I was praying in the chapel at the Catholic high school where I taught, and as I read a scriptural passage, I found myself pulled into the presence of the Holy Spirit.

I was reading the line in Psalm 131, “I am not concerned with great affairs or marvels beyond my scope.” I was contemplating the humility of the line because I had always felt the opposite. From the time I was a very young boy, I had the conviction that I would be called into the center of great affairs and marvels. I often imagined what that calling would be, and I had tried to follow the direction that would bring me to be cast in a major role.  I knew  my gift of imagination had prepared me and got me to this moment. On that morning the Holy Spirit notified me the time had come to play the part I had been born to play.

The Holy Spirit lifted me out of that November day in 1976 and, with an ironic chuckle, put me in the presence of the Trinity. Although I had several mystical experiences before this, I was excited by the clarity of this moment. It had finally happened. My unique role was about to be revealed. This was the moment of every actor’s dreams.

The 1^st Person of the Trinity laid out the plan. I was about to be cast into the moment of the Annunciation. The Holy Spirit was like a dancer warming up waiting for the cue to place me into the historic time of Mary’s life and of the Annunciation. How this was happening was unclear to me. If Mary agreed to the plan, the Holy Spirit was going to pour a mixture of human and divine DNA into Mary’s womb and I would be part of the mix.  I would be part of  this human and divine person, the 2nd Person of the Trinity,  through the 2nd Person’s life as a human from the moment of conception until death.

As I heard this, I stood face to face with Word that was about to made flesh and saw the absolute love and commitment that God had in making this story happen. The 2^nd Person of the Trinity held me in a deep and loving gaze, loving me for being there, loving me for the part I was about to play.

I started to worry about whether I could do this.  Was this  just a delusion that I had prepared for myself to convince myself I was important? The Holy Spirit punched me in the shoulder to get me back to paying attention. “Humility lies in accepting the part you play. Listen to the story we are  telling you.”

I was to be a witness to the life of Jesus. I was to make sure that human free will was always operating. Human beings had to be free to make their own choices and live their own lives. God’s Love demanded freedom. Love asserted the need to allow human beings the right to chose the shape of their story.  I had intellectually known this, but now I saw with certainty how this truth was the essential promise of God’s love. God’s nature demanded that love must freely choose love.

Quickly the details of my role followed. I would bear witness that the human nature of 2nd Person was allowed the ability to choose to be the God made human.  I would assert myself in the story to make sure that the human child would grow into the awareness and acceptance of being divine.

To affirm that I chose this task, the 1^st Person of the Trinity proclaimed across time and eternity the question, “Whom shall I send to witness freedom of love become flesh.” In one voice and many voices, I heard my name called, “Noonan, send Noonan.”

Having been raised in the theater and knowing scripture, I recognized my cue and said, “Send me.”

The Holy Spirit laughed as if to say, “I guess I will make do with you,” and the power of the Holy Spirit wrapped around me and united me with the Word about to be made flesh. The Spirit took us back into time into the presence of a young woman. She was about to be given the choice to allow the story of the Incarnation to happen to her.

From the moment I saw her, I knew her. She had always been with me. I recognized her as being much like my mother, but more like my sisters. She had a confidence upon her that was unshaken as the 1st scene of this drama was performed.  I had seen many pictures painted across time of this moment but I was unprepared for seeing the intense beauty. All the world around this moment throbbed with an intense awareness of being part of the setting of the essential story.

An angel, who from Scripture I knew was named Gabriel, asked the question if she would become the mother of a human child, who was also God. As the angel calmed her confusion and questions with the words “Nothing is impossible with God.” She said, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done to me according to God’s will.” At that statement, the Holy Spirit looked at me.

In spite of my wonder and awe at what was happening, I felt my part coming into the play. I was on this stage and I could, I should speak. I chose this moment to formulate a personal question. “Why couldn’t the child be female rather than male.”  As I thought this, the Holy Spirit turned an intense light on me and said, “You are not a bystander observing the action, a teacher to grade my work. Teacher take your chalk and etch upon this moment. You are a teach, so teach yourself.”

I had a shocking realization that my part was going to be an active partner in how all of this happened. I froze with realization that the depth of my role was more demanding that I had imagined. As an actor, I ached to play this well, the role of a lifetime. This was the first of many creative choices. I could make the call. Which gender would the child be?

The Spirit asked, “Male or female?”

I tried to turn away and flee from the question and the choice. Iwanted to pull away from the waiting miracle. I had never before fully understood the power of what free choice meant. I  had to agree to participate or not. I took one glance at the woman, beautiful in the moment of her choice. She was calmly  waiting to see how it would happen. Looking at her, I realized it was a  human woman who allowed this crucial act of love to happen. She was confident in her freedom. Her example prompted me to accept my responsibility in the marvelous story.  I said, “Yes, of course, he is a boy. The story already has great woman as an essential character.” The 2nd person of the Trinity at that moment became a human male.

The Spirit placed the fertilized egg in the Fallopian tube of the woman and the divine became incarnate. What a quiet gentle slip of the divine in a new way into the human.

In the increasing activity of cells doubling from one to two to four into hundreds of cells, the  2^nd Person of the Trinity became one with the biological fertilized egg as it slipped into the uterus.

I was along for the ride.